KILL THYSELF

KILL THYSELF

I have been having suicidal ideations for more than a decade now and to me personally it is the worst pain someone could have immeasurably. Looking in the mirror and feeling like your hopeless, worthless and guilty. I have struggled with depression almost all my life and it feels like a nightmare, what my brain does is to look for a way out. The most intrusive thoughts when I'm triggered is to kill myself.

I've had almost five suicide attempts and it is not fun it is actually painful and hard. I survived all of them but every time I fail I seem to think about my next plan. The most excruciating pain is hanging actually all of them are painful but suffocation is not a cup of tea. These attempts have landed me in rehabs and hospitals where I am watched 24/7.

But did it help you ask? No it didn't actually it made my depression worse being locked in small cubicles no one there to attend to you. It's crazy. I remember one day I was at the office doing some work this was about noon. My boss comes at me accusing me that I lost one of the company files which I did not my initial reaction was why me? Then like a snap of the finger I decided to buy a rope after work I went home and tied made a noose.

I didn't leave a suicide note or anything my point was to leave this earth at all costs even if it meant me killing myself. As I was dangling in the bathroom  trying to find a ledge or something I realized that this was a horrible way to die I quickly found balance on the toilet and removed the noose from my neck.

That was my lowest state in all my life. I immediately called my Dad and I was rushed to see a psychiatrist the day after. We had a session and I was told I needed to be admitted at a psych ward. My feelings were worse my mood was bad. I was just crying to the doctor when I was explaining my journey with depression.

He told me I needed to do a procedure called ECT for those of you who are not conversant with the term it's called Electro-convulsive therapy where they hook your brain into a computer and it sends electric signals to the brain. At first I was shocked at the procedure and I was having second thoughts but I trusted the doctor he went on to say my depression would be not there anymore or it would be less. Trusting him and my family I agreed.

I went through 5 sessions after the sessions I had trouble remembering where I was, how I got to the hospitals, what I was wearing even my name and family members I could not recall. A week later my memory came back but the depression was still there. I instantly felt horrible having to go through all that.

So I spent the next two weeks in the hospital feeling dreadful and bad that the ECT did not work. After all this despair slowly began to show and I gave up hope after being admitted I was taken to recovery home still doing appointments with the doctor and counselling but nothing seemed to work.

So you see suicide for me is a way out a ticket for a peaceful rest. To end all the pain and suffering. But everyday I wake up and pray that one day things will make sense and I will go back to my normal happy self. And I'll be waiting.

Tony.muchoki.MyLife.2025(©)